relève-toi et dépoussière-toi

The title of this post translates as pick yourself up and dust yourself up, the lyrics of a famous Shakira song. I have always felt that blogs should be poignantly honest and should help the blogger to express themselves. I want my blogs to help me work through my problems and experiences and in doing so perhaps help others with what they face.

So this is a dance blog and as such I shall talk about dance. I would today like to talk about a huge set-back that completely derailed me, made me question my future and my entire being. Sit back, buckle up  and we shall begin...

A few years ago the International Society for the Teachers of Dance added an Indian Classical Dance faculty to their already impressive list. The faculty conducts grade examinations in Bharatanatyam and Kathak, those being the most commonly taught forms of Indian classical dance in the UK. Sometime last year I took Grade 1 Bharatanatyam and passed with a distinction of 94%. Now I'm not saying that to boast but for context as you'll soon see. When I came back to my regular class after a two month gap the two girls at the same level as me were preparing for Grade 3, skipping Grade 2. Originally I wanted to sit both grades but in the end I just went for grade 3 with the others.

To cut a long story short I spent weeks working on my file and I attended both grade 1, 2 and 3 classes but it wasn't enough. The examiner said that my folder wasn't detailed enough, the adavus and items should have been written out with tala. I was told my knowledge of different adavus wasn't in-depth enough. I hadn't practiced enough to build up stamina and I made a lot of mistakes in the performance. My araimandi was almost non-existant towards the end of the performance. We were expecting to be given a jathi and fit an adavu to it, but we were actually given two jathis and expected to fit an adavu to it, which I think I eventually managed to do but it took a while. I do feel that some parts of the exam weren't particularly fair however I am fully aware that I was terribly underprepared and that I am entirely to blame, I was over confident.

The disastrous exam had a massive effect on me, especially because everyone knew how well I'd done at grade 1 and were all expecting the same for grade 3. it completely knocked me. I felt somewhat disgusted at myself because at that point dance was my life, it was all I thought about and I felt like I had insulted it. I was ashamed of myself for having done so badly and I just wanted to apologise to the examiner for having wasted her time. I decided I wouldn't touch dance for a while. I wouldn't watch dance videos, or listen to carnatic music, or practice. I cut myself off from dance entirely for about 2 weeks.

I'm currently in Luxembourg, I have Summer job here. I've been here a week or so over a month and I have 10 days or so left before I go home, I decided to use this time as a break from dance. Not entirely just no practice, no class, no pressure. So far I've decided a couple of things; firstly no more exams, I don't want any pressure, dance should be for enjoyment and exams don't allow me to enjoy it. Secondly, I don't want to teach dance, to teach you need to really know all the theory. Right now in my life I am content to perform, to learn items and to delve into theory as and when it comes up. Lastly, I would still like to work towards an arangetram but slowly and at my own pace. Dance isn't going anywhere, there is no need to rush.

So I'm going to get back up again, dust myself off and just enjoy dance. Dance shall be my passion, to an extent my freedom, but it is one of many things in my life and I don't want it to overtake all of those things ever again.

So welcome back to pour la joie de la danse, I shall be writing here regularly again and happy dancing!

Après tout, j'ai toujours pas de regrets.

Non, rien de rien

non, je ne regrette rien

ni le bien qu'on m'a fait

ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal

non, rien de rien

non, je ne regrette rien

c'est payé, balayé, oublié 

je me fous du passé.

- Édith Piaf

Recently I read something that a bharatanatyam said, she said that dance is not a hobby, it is a way of life. I would in my case amend that slightly; dance is not a hobby, it is life. I do not believe that anyone is put on this earth to fly through life without any problems, we all have our own issues and own situations to deal with. My life has also had its ups and downs, and continues to do so. I am forever questioning my identity, where I belong, and that is where dance comes in. When I'm dancing it is the only time I feel truly myself, I have never once questioned why I dance. I dance because I am. With this in mind I'd like to talk about two issues in this post. Firstly, giving up the dream of dancing as a profession and how to deal with that decision. Secondly, how to stay motivated.

A few months ago I made the decision that I didn't want to dance as a profession. I was never the perfect candidate for a career in dance but there came a moment when it just seemed like the only thing that made sense, I was so determined and I really couldn't imagine anything more than dancing all day, every day. All of this changed when I went to India for the first time to study bharatanatyam. There I saw what the dance world in India is like, I saw what it takes to have dance as a profession or more specifically, what it takes to have Indian classical dance as a profession. I saw young brides toiling away everyday in dance class only to remain eternally under the feet of their Guru. There was never any hope for independence or freedom. 

I also witnessed the infighting and the clambering over one another for attention. I strongly and very truly believe that being an Indian classical dancer is a way of life. I believe that it is our duty to embrace Indian classical culture. The clothes, the values, the traditions. But I saw all of those values brushed under the rug. The dancers I saw hated each other, it was no longer simply about the dance. I also sat, spellbound, through countless performances. I was in awe of what I saw, the technique, the emotion, the pure love only to find at the end that half the audience were endlessly complaining about how they had seen far better dancers and that today's dancers are simply mediocre. 

I do not ever want my dance to become a burden. I do not ever want to stop enjoying dance for the sake of dance. I also do not wish to feel trapped or undervalued by the dance world. So I decided that a career in dance was not something I really wanted. But how do you deal with making a decision like that? No matter how free it feels to have no pressure when you dance, for me it still feels like I have let something very dear to me go. I really did want a career in dance, I really did want to dance professionally but that is in the past. Moving on is extremely difficult, when you're surrounded by documentaries and videos of dance schools and dance dreams, it can make you feel cut off and disappointed in yourself. There is no trick to getting past this feeling. You just have to realise, slowly, that this is your life and you have to live it in a way that will make you happy. It also takes a while to believe that giving up the idea of dance as a career doesn't mean you're giving up dancing. 

So what do I have to say about motivation? Well, we all know that every dancer comes to a point in their lives when they question dance but what happens when you have various styles of dance to choose from and you are lacking motivation in only one? I'm at that point at the moment. I really want to be passionate about one of my forms of dance but I'm struggling, I feel like I've lost my mojo as it were. It just doesn't excite me like it used to, I feel so completely lost all the time. In my head I'm just fumbling around in the dark. It's like I feel free and trapped at the same time. So how do I move on? Well I'm working on that. Do I leave it completely and focus on something else or do I persevere to find the spark I once had those years ago? For now I'm persevering. If India taught me one thing, it is that I have a innate ability to persevere, I often feel that simply sticking with things is the only way to go on. I must keep pushing if only for the hope that the spark will return, if I give up I kill that hope.

Life.

How do we as dancers wake up every day and keep going? How is it that with so many classical dancers equal to the seven wonders of the world we still find motivation to better ourselves each day? Well, here is a little of my story and the things I've been thinking about recently.

About a month ago I returned home to the UK after two months of studying bharatanatyam in India. I won't name the school or the Guru but I will say that I am now able to see that it was a bad experience on the whole. I learned so much about dance, and for that reason alone I don't regret going, but I was so close to being torn away from dance forever. I was emotionally crushed, beaten, humiliated and hurt. I was at the bottom of the pile and at my lowest. When I got back I didn't dance for a week. It's been a month now and yet I still have flashbacks to the feelings of loneliness and despair. I'm not going to go into detail here about what I learnt from the experience, because that's not what this post is about.

Since coming back I've returned to class and seen how although my technique has improved, I haven't really gotten to where I hoped I would. My first class back threw me straight back to the bottom of that pile in India because I was just so frustrated with myself, because everyone here has this image that you go to India and you come back a professional classical dancer, and I didn't. I also returned to my kathak class today, I haven't practised kathak in almost 3 months, so I wasn't expecting the most amazing class but yet again it was like walking into a wall. I've gone back, I'm not where I was and everyone around me has kept on moving up.

I think that one of the hardest things I face as a dancer is feeling like everyone around me is constantly moving and I'm just there static, in the same place I've been in for years. I realise now that the only way I can move anywhere is to take things into my own hands. How do I explain what I mean by that...

Let me start by saying that I am completely against the method of teaching Indian classical dance that I have seen in India. I don't care how well it works, I shall never agree with teaching anything through fear. I also disagree with this idea that a lot of Indian Gurus seem to have of you constantly being under their umbrella, never truly independent. I respect and love my teachers here in the UK, yes they are my Gurus, they teach me life lessons not just dance but they also don't clip my wings. I can be a dancer independently and I think I have to be. If I want to get where I want to then I have to practise myself, I have to motivate myself. I have to revise and re-learn and start again, I have to do it. No-one else will make me. This my dance story to write, no-one else's.

I've also realised, finally, that being part Pakistani does not give me a personal link to Indian classical dance. Indian classical dance found me, it has become a part of my life in the same way breathing has always been a part of my life. I cannot live without it but I am not Indian, and it does not allow me to keep my culture alive because it is not my culture. It does,  however, allow me to live, breathe and smile. Indian classical dance is a part of me not for it's stories of India but for it's stories of strength, of survival, of life.

So again I find myself, by some miracle, able to motivate myself to continue. I have a bunch of performances coming up and I am excited for them. I will enjoy them because I refuse to allow bad experiences and my own insecurities get the better of me. My araimandi might not be perfect, my footwork might not be fast enough, my spins may lack clarity, BUT, I have time. In time I will work on all of these imperfections because if I don't I shall never be able to hold my head high. I may not be perfect but I will perform to the best of my abilities because what everyone seemed to have forgotten where I was in India, is that dance is first and foremost a form of enjoyment and beauty for those watching. The natya veda was created for the enjoyment of the senses, not the enjoyment of perfectionists. Dance will always be beautiful so long as it brings joy, hope and inspiration to those watching it. That should be our goal as dancers. To make the world a better place through our art.