How do we as dancers wake up every day and keep going? How is it that with so many classical dancers equal to the seven wonders of the world we still find motivation to better ourselves each day? Well, here is a little of my story and the things I've been thinking about recently.
About a month ago I returned home to the UK after two months of studying bharatanatyam in India. I won't name the school or the Guru but I will say that I am now able to see that it was a bad experience on the whole. I learned so much about dance, and for that reason alone I don't regret going, but I was so close to being torn away from dance forever. I was emotionally crushed, beaten, humiliated and hurt. I was at the bottom of the pile and at my lowest. When I got back I didn't dance for a week. It's been a month now and yet I still have flashbacks to the feelings of loneliness and despair. I'm not going to go into detail here about what I learnt from the experience, because that's not what this post is about.
Since coming back I've returned to class and seen how although my technique has improved, I haven't really gotten to where I hoped I would. My first class back threw me straight back to the bottom of that pile in India because I was just so frustrated with myself, because everyone here has this image that you go to India and you come back a professional classical dancer, and I didn't. I also returned to my kathak class today, I haven't practised kathak in almost 3 months, so I wasn't expecting the most amazing class but yet again it was like walking into a wall. I've gone back, I'm not where I was and everyone around me has kept on moving up.
I think that one of the hardest things I face as a dancer is feeling like everyone around me is constantly moving and I'm just there static, in the same place I've been in for years. I realise now that the only way I can move anywhere is to take things into my own hands. How do I explain what I mean by that...
Let me start by saying that I am completely against the method of teaching Indian classical dance that I have seen in India. I don't care how well it works, I shall never agree with teaching anything through fear. I also disagree with this idea that a lot of Indian Gurus seem to have of you constantly being under their umbrella, never truly independent. I respect and love my teachers here in the UK, yes they are my Gurus, they teach me life lessons not just dance but they also don't clip my wings. I can be a dancer independently and I think I have to be. If I want to get where I want to then I have to practise myself, I have to motivate myself. I have to revise and re-learn and start again, I have to do it. No-one else will make me. This my dance story to write, no-one else's.
I've also realised, finally, that being part Pakistani does not give me a personal link to Indian classical dance. Indian classical dance found me, it has become a part of my life in the same way breathing has always been a part of my life. I cannot live without it but I am not Indian, and it does not allow me to keep my culture alive because it is not my culture. It does, however, allow me to live, breathe and smile. Indian classical dance is a part of me not for it's stories of India but for it's stories of strength, of survival, of life.
So again I find myself, by some miracle, able to motivate myself to continue. I have a bunch of performances coming up and I am excited for them. I will enjoy them because I refuse to allow bad experiences and my own insecurities get the better of me. My araimandi might not be perfect, my footwork might not be fast enough, my spins may lack clarity, BUT, I have time. In time I will work on all of these imperfections because if I don't I shall never be able to hold my head high. I may not be perfect but I will perform to the best of my abilities because what everyone seemed to have forgotten where I was in India, is that dance is first and foremost a form of enjoyment and beauty for those watching. The natya veda was created for the enjoyment of the senses, not the enjoyment of perfectionists. Dance will always be beautiful so long as it brings joy, hope and inspiration to those watching it. That should be our goal as dancers. To make the world a better place through our art.
About a month ago I returned home to the UK after two months of studying bharatanatyam in India. I won't name the school or the Guru but I will say that I am now able to see that it was a bad experience on the whole. I learned so much about dance, and for that reason alone I don't regret going, but I was so close to being torn away from dance forever. I was emotionally crushed, beaten, humiliated and hurt. I was at the bottom of the pile and at my lowest. When I got back I didn't dance for a week. It's been a month now and yet I still have flashbacks to the feelings of loneliness and despair. I'm not going to go into detail here about what I learnt from the experience, because that's not what this post is about.
Since coming back I've returned to class and seen how although my technique has improved, I haven't really gotten to where I hoped I would. My first class back threw me straight back to the bottom of that pile in India because I was just so frustrated with myself, because everyone here has this image that you go to India and you come back a professional classical dancer, and I didn't. I also returned to my kathak class today, I haven't practised kathak in almost 3 months, so I wasn't expecting the most amazing class but yet again it was like walking into a wall. I've gone back, I'm not where I was and everyone around me has kept on moving up.
I think that one of the hardest things I face as a dancer is feeling like everyone around me is constantly moving and I'm just there static, in the same place I've been in for years. I realise now that the only way I can move anywhere is to take things into my own hands. How do I explain what I mean by that...
Let me start by saying that I am completely against the method of teaching Indian classical dance that I have seen in India. I don't care how well it works, I shall never agree with teaching anything through fear. I also disagree with this idea that a lot of Indian Gurus seem to have of you constantly being under their umbrella, never truly independent. I respect and love my teachers here in the UK, yes they are my Gurus, they teach me life lessons not just dance but they also don't clip my wings. I can be a dancer independently and I think I have to be. If I want to get where I want to then I have to practise myself, I have to motivate myself. I have to revise and re-learn and start again, I have to do it. No-one else will make me. This my dance story to write, no-one else's.
I've also realised, finally, that being part Pakistani does not give me a personal link to Indian classical dance. Indian classical dance found me, it has become a part of my life in the same way breathing has always been a part of my life. I cannot live without it but I am not Indian, and it does not allow me to keep my culture alive because it is not my culture. It does, however, allow me to live, breathe and smile. Indian classical dance is a part of me not for it's stories of India but for it's stories of strength, of survival, of life.
So again I find myself, by some miracle, able to motivate myself to continue. I have a bunch of performances coming up and I am excited for them. I will enjoy them because I refuse to allow bad experiences and my own insecurities get the better of me. My araimandi might not be perfect, my footwork might not be fast enough, my spins may lack clarity, BUT, I have time. In time I will work on all of these imperfections because if I don't I shall never be able to hold my head high. I may not be perfect but I will perform to the best of my abilities because what everyone seemed to have forgotten where I was in India, is that dance is first and foremost a form of enjoyment and beauty for those watching. The natya veda was created for the enjoyment of the senses, not the enjoyment of perfectionists. Dance will always be beautiful so long as it brings joy, hope and inspiration to those watching it. That should be our goal as dancers. To make the world a better place through our art.
