Non, rien de rien
non, je ne regrette rien
ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
non, rien de rien
non, je ne regrette rien
c'est payé, balayé, oublié
je me fous du passé.
- Édith Piaf
Recently I read something that a bharatanatyam said, she said that dance is not a hobby, it is a way of life. I would in my case amend that slightly; dance is not a hobby, it is life. I do not believe that anyone is put on this earth to fly through life without any problems, we all have our own issues and own situations to deal with. My life has also had its ups and downs, and continues to do so. I am forever questioning my identity, where I belong, and that is where dance comes in. When I'm dancing it is the only time I feel truly myself, I have never once questioned why I dance. I dance because I am. With this in mind I'd like to talk about two issues in this post. Firstly, giving up the dream of dancing as a profession and how to deal with that decision. Secondly, how to stay motivated.
A few months ago I made the decision that I didn't want to dance as a profession. I was never the perfect candidate for a career in dance but there came a moment when it just seemed like the only thing that made sense, I was so determined and I really couldn't imagine anything more than dancing all day, every day. All of this changed when I went to India for the first time to study bharatanatyam. There I saw what the dance world in India is like, I saw what it takes to have dance as a profession or more specifically, what it takes to have Indian classical dance as a profession. I saw young brides toiling away everyday in dance class only to remain eternally under the feet of their Guru. There was never any hope for independence or freedom.
I also witnessed the infighting and the clambering over one another for attention. I strongly and very truly believe that being an Indian classical dancer is a way of life. I believe that it is our duty to embrace Indian classical culture. The clothes, the values, the traditions. But I saw all of those values brushed under the rug. The dancers I saw hated each other, it was no longer simply about the dance. I also sat, spellbound, through countless performances. I was in awe of what I saw, the technique, the emotion, the pure love only to find at the end that half the audience were endlessly complaining about how they had seen far better dancers and that today's dancers are simply mediocre.
I do not ever want my dance to become a burden. I do not ever want to stop enjoying dance for the sake of dance. I also do not wish to feel trapped or undervalued by the dance world. So I decided that a career in dance was not something I really wanted. But how do you deal with making a decision like that? No matter how free it feels to have no pressure when you dance, for me it still feels like I have let something very dear to me go. I really did want a career in dance, I really did want to dance professionally but that is in the past. Moving on is extremely difficult, when you're surrounded by documentaries and videos of dance schools and dance dreams, it can make you feel cut off and disappointed in yourself. There is no trick to getting past this feeling. You just have to realise, slowly, that this is your life and you have to live it in a way that will make you happy. It also takes a while to believe that giving up the idea of dance as a career doesn't mean you're giving up dancing.
So what do I have to say about motivation? Well, we all know that every dancer comes to a point in their lives when they question dance but what happens when you have various styles of dance to choose from and you are lacking motivation in only one? I'm at that point at the moment. I really want to be passionate about one of my forms of dance but I'm struggling, I feel like I've lost my mojo as it were. It just doesn't excite me like it used to, I feel so completely lost all the time. In my head I'm just fumbling around in the dark. It's like I feel free and trapped at the same time. So how do I move on? Well I'm working on that. Do I leave it completely and focus on something else or do I persevere to find the spark I once had those years ago? For now I'm persevering. If India taught me one thing, it is that I have a innate ability to persevere, I often feel that simply sticking with things is the only way to go on. I must keep pushing if only for the hope that the spark will return, if I give up I kill that hope.
